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Showing posts from 2017

Society That Condemns Decades Old Sins By Hollywood Actors And Public Representatives, Totally Convinced God Will Not Hold Their Own Sins Against Them From Long Ago

From Harvey Weinstein, to now Kevin Spacey, and of course our own current President of the United States, Donald Trump.  This is only a shortlist on a much longer one that spans throughout history of both Hollywood and public government officials whose sins have come back to haunt them.  Drawing public scorn, the backlash in these discoveries of such immoral behavior has threatened to end many careers; or at the very least, placing them squarely upon the unending scorn of the masses.  Many of these men and women will be fired, and/or blacklisted indefinitely or permanently by former friends, partners and supporters. Nevertheless, this very same society is hopeful that its own sins will not find them out when God judges.  When it comes time to stand before a truly holy Judge, a righteous God before Whom all is laid naked, before Whom even the very thoughts and intents of the heart are known--when it is their appointed time to die and to be judged by this all-kno...

Local Man Sits During National Anthem Every Time Someone Does Something That Irritates Him

Tucson, AZ A brave local man is righteously indigent against injustice, and not going to take it anymore, standing up. Cut him off in traffic; sits during next national anthem. Disagree with him on Facebook; sits during next national anthem. Make fun of his tie; sits during next national anthem. Call him a mean name; sits during national anthem. There is literally no offense you could levy against Devin Johnson that would not result in him sitting during the national anthem. "I just suddenly realized that every offense against me personally is bigger than one person.  It's bigger than me, and it's bigger than them.  It's a systematic problem with the nation in which we both commonly call our home.  It just makes sense.  Injustice has existed for a long time, we all know that.  There seems to be no end to it, but what are we really doing about it?  The injustice that exists such that each offense against me personally is not suc...

Local Congregation Sits During Corporate Singing, Bringing Awareness To Systemic Heresy Preached Around The World

Dallas, TX Much of the congregation at a local Baptist Church, Narrow Way Fellowship, have decided that enough is enough when it comes to heresy in the so-called church around the world, and that a greater awareness to this heresy must be brought to light.  This movement in a church of about 800 members started with married couple, Joel and Barbara Stag, and in three months has spread to about half of the church. "People have tried to tell me worshiping God is an honor, and I should stand with everyone else as we always have.  But, you can't force worship, and I do worship in my own way.  Just not in the usual way--not when there is a systemic heresy problem going on around the world.  I still hum the songs in my heart, sitting down, but I'm not singing out loud and standing up.  I don't mean to bring any offense to the leadership or other members of our church, but what are we doing about heresy around the world?  We totally respect God, and we res...

Theologically Ambiguous Lineup of Positive Christian Music Frequently Plays Just the Right Song at Just the Right Time

Des Moines, IA "It never ceases to amaze me that at just the right time, exactly the right song comes on the radio and changes everything."  That is according to Gill Youngblood, a frequent listener of the local Christian radio station "The Vibe", which promises to deliver "positive and uplifting" music from every song they play. "This one day, I was really just depressed.  Work was busy the day before, and then that night I totally missed Dancing With the Stars because I had to work on a leaking kitchen faucet.  I was driving to work that next morning and just then, a song came on singing about how no matter what I was going through, God is there for me.  Like wow, it just really hit the spot.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  Another time I had just gotten a flat on the way to a football game.  I was sitting on the side of the road looking at my shredded tire thinking... why me?  Sitting there basically feeling sorry for myself, I ...

Evangelist Becomes An Alcoholic, Cross Dressing, Prostitute In Order To "Become All Things To All People", That He Might Save Some.

Moscow, Russia "I finally feel that I have laid it all down for the sake of Him Who called me.  I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some, just like the Scriptures tell us.  Right now, that means becoming an alcoholic, cross dressing, prostitute.  I'm going to move on to recreational drugs next, but I'm trying to ease into it." Saved at the age of 25, now after 35 years on the "straight-and-narrow", Charles Davis realized that there was an unreached world, often overlooked.  Moving from his home in California, he has left his old life behind--as he explained--including his wife and children (Mark 10:29), and for the last two years he has dived headlong into a totally new life, in order to save souls. "I saw an unreached world, and this was my way in.  I must admit, it's harder than I was expecting to leave my old life behind, for the sake of the lost.  There are days I wake up in my own vomit, laying besid...

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Proof God Doesn't Exist--"It's Not The Way I'd Do It"

"I respect people of all faiths, I really do.  The universe is a very big place.  I must also respectfully say that there is no God.  That is in all my time on Earth I have seen no evidence for God.  That's my belief, as it were, and hopefully you can respect that too.  Not that it's a faith or requires respect to be true, because I am a scientist and scientists don't operate on faith, therefore my position isn't really belief or faith, as it were.  When it comes down to it, all arguments for the existence of God are really based on circular reasoning.  It's because most people don't take a scientific approach to proving, or disproving God.  So that's my observation, and I have heard many arguments for the existence of God.  Think about this, okay?  Really, what makes it obvious to me that God doesn't exist, is that things in this universe aren't the way I would have done it.  Now, stay with me here.  You see, I'm just a sm...

Conor McGregor Reportedly Now A Christian After Discovering Christ's Strength In Philippians 4:13

Las Vegas, NV Just this morning, the day of the big fight with the undefeated Floyd Mayweather, we sat down to get Conor McGregor's mindset going in.  It was here that McGregor revealed his recent conversion to Christianity after seeing Philippians 4:13 tattooed on someone else while sparing at the gym last week.  "My mindset?  My mindset is to beat the mother-living tar out of that little s***.  I'm gonna mop the floor with his tiny bald head.  I guess there is one new thing, though.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still the same person I've always been.  The same ol' c***y son of a b**** ya'll come to know and love.  But, I have a new strength I draw from now too.  It's a verse in the Bible, maybe you know.  It says, 'I can accomplish everything I want with Christ's strength'.  Don't get me wrong, I've been doing pretty good on my own, but even I realize I can't accomplish everything.  This is definitely the biggest fight of ...

Donald Trump Looks Directly Into Solar Eclipse, "America Can Do Better"

Washington, DC President Trump stepped outside the White House unabashed, and doubtful of the Sun's reported bright light.  With a finger to the heavens, he pointed to the sky and looked directly into the radiant light emitting from the eclipsing Sun, saying, "Not bad, but America could do better." When asked about this challenge he apparently just made with the Sun, president Trump explained, "I've been looking at the Sun since I was a little boy.  Before I was a little boy, in fact. I remember when I was in my mother's womb I would look directly at the Sun frequently.  So, yes I'm very familiar with the Sun.  Very familiar.  I have fond memories of it, and it has always been very warm with me ever since I was a baby.  It has served me well.  Really, we have brought each other a great deal of mutual support over the years, so you understand it doesn't really intimidate me.  So when I heard about this recent eclipse thing, I came out to sho...

Recent Convert Says Self-Esteem Has Never Been Higher--Thankful God Saw In Him Something Worth Saving.

Clearwater, FL Calvin Meek, a recent convert at the local body of "Seekers Church", gave testimony recently just before his baptism.  In it he explained some of the recent changes in his life since being saved.  In this touching testimony where many were moved to tears, Calvin said, "In the short time since being saved I have wondered many times, 'Why me?', but I think I just recently figured out why.  I feel really good about it, and about myself now too.  I used to be a very depressed person.  Thinking about this I was feeling that depression come up in me again.  With the help and guidance of some friends in this church, and elsewhere, I think I have realized the answer to that question, 'Why me?'." Going on, Calvin said, "God saved me because He saw something really good in me worth saving.  He saw something good in all of us worth saving. That's why we are here.  We are worthy, we were worthy.  Knowing this now, it really gives ...

Baptist Church VBS Mistaken For Pentecostal Revival Meeting

Pensacola, FL Young parents of children Jacob (5) and Samantha (3), Steve and Jo Young of Pensacola, FL, recently visited a VBS event at "Green Oaks Baptist".  "Everything appeared to be in order", Steve said.  "That is, until we entered the sanctuary.  I've never seen so many hands lifted in the air moving about, and bodies gyrating.  Not in a Baptist church anyhow.  I guess it threw me off a bit.  My initial reaction, after looking around a bit, was to walk outside and double check the sign to make sure we were in the right place.  We were indeed at the right place, "Green Oaks Baptist" right on the doors, but I've never seen so many hands enthusiastically risen into the air in song.  I want to say there was dancing, but I don't want to get anyone in trouble.  Given my familiarity and expectations, I thought I was walking into a Pentecostal revival meeting." Reportedly Steve asked some of the VBS volunteers about this, and w...

Future Hopeful Church Leader, Indignant and Dismayed by Messy Floor Outside of Broom Closet--Does Nothing.

Austin, TX It happened at service this morning, when Art McDonald slipped out for just a moment to use the bathroom.  "I felt something crunchy under my flipflops as I walked down the hall.  I took a little closer look and realized someone had clearly spilled coffee grounds all over the floor." At "Servants Church", a small coffee bar sits in the long hallway on the path to the sanctuary.  We assume someone responsible for setup, spilled some along the way.  We asked Art how he believed it all happened, and he told us. "How exactly isn't clear, but it was a problem.  It's really just sad there was nobody around to clean it up.  Like, hello leaders--was it just supposed to stay like that?  What a mess.  This is God's House.  Cleanliness is next to godliness you know. Why wasn't anyone doing anything about it?  I mean, it was right outside an unlocked broom closet.  Any elder or deacon could have setup a ministry for th...

Bernie Sanders Hints But Does Not Confirm the Existence of an Exclusive Tolerance Club: Appears to Offer Secret Handshake

Champlain Islands, VM Few have seen the inside of Bernie's alleged secret hideout--if it exists at all--rumored to meet monthly within a three story tree house somewhere within the vicinity of his recently-acquired Champlain Islands beachfront-property home--just one way he is setting himself apart from the billionaire elites in Washington.  Presumably offsite, somewhere in the woods nearby, we asked Mr. Sanders about possibly visiting his hideout. "Well, if I did have such a place, and I'm not saying I do.  But if I did--and, mind you again, I'm not saying I do. It would be very tolerant of all beliefs and ideals.  All would be welcome.  Of course that is, as long as those applying held beliefs that met the secret club's exclusive rules for maintaining tolerance and inclusiveness.  Again, I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but if you were exceptionally tolerant, then we would definitely let you in."  Mr. Sanders then said, "The swallow fli...

John Piper's Animated Hand Gestures Delivered A Sound Doctrinal Message In Sign Language Purely By Accident--Err, Sovereign Grace.

St. Paul, MN Preaching from 1 John 2:2, John Piper was speaking on the propitiation we have for "our sins" and the sins "of the whole world", in Christ.  During a climactic moment in the sermon, John began waiving and signaling his hands through the air with a great intensity many have come to adore.  At a particularly aggressive moment in the sermon, he gave a perfect message regarding that very topic for about three minutes as he spoke--in sign language. It wasn't realized at first, but was brought up shortly after by a deaf student; afterwards confirmed later by others.  The deaf student, 18-year old Ryan Eck, told us, "I have gotten really good at lip reading, and so I sit as close to the front as I can in order to do it.  I don't need sign language if I'm close enough.  However, I noticed that as John began to swoop his hands through the air, in and out of the other, talking about Christ going into the Earth, out again, and onto glory, ...

Young Mom Realizes Life Verse Is Actually From A TobyMac #SpeakLife Meme

Seattle, WA Linda Gregor is a busy mom who, like many moms, takes great delight in caring for her children, though with it comes struggles, ups and downs.  When discouragement sets in, Linda has found great comfort in turning to the uplifting and pithy #SpeakLife quotes.  "There are a lot of things out there like this, but these are the best.  They have been a real Godsend to me; just the trick to lift my spirits.  Sometimes I read one and it's like exactly what I was needing to hear.  I don't really have time to read the Bible, but someone out there does.  For that I am thankful.  They are basically truths from the Bible, but just condensed down for people like me who just don't have time to linger. Linda has utilized some of her free time, albeit a rarity, by categorizing her favorites into "types of struggles" for her time of need.  She is wanting to start a "Busy Moms Speak Life" group to discuss them with other busy moms.  With t...

Man Streaming Prayers Live From Prayer Closet, Inspires Faith Across Internet

Ucon, ID An uplifting story today, from a little town in Idaho, and around the world.  Andrew Boris has become a bit of a sensation, inspiring faith in others over the Internet by streaming his private prayer time over social media.  His prayers usually last for about five to ten minutes, and are done in darkness that is only penetrated by the light of a few candles. "It's important to set the right mood.  Candles for example are simple, and are a timeless expression of light", Andrew told us, "It's a small, humble room--very humble really--but with just a few tweaks you can really feel you are entering into God's presence.  Most of the time I will play the main chorus from a Hillsong worship song on repeat in the background, very low-key but there.  I've been experimenting with the idea of adding a fog machine."  When asked where he got his idea for this, he told us, "In Matthew chapter six of the Bible, Jesus said when we pray we shoul...

Iowa Transgender Baker Refuses To Bake Gender Reveal Birthday Cake--Sues Soon-To-Be Parents For Making The Request

Atlantic, Iowa Kim Smith, Owner and Operator/Baker at Trans-Atlantic Bakery, in Atlantic, IA, has refused to bake a gender-reveal birthday cake for James and Amanda Hodgkin.  The baby (whose gender [in the traditional sense] is supposed to be a surprise) is due to arrive in early August, and the Hodgkins have done as many others before them in wanting a cake baked to reveal the gender of their child.  Typically when people do this it is a pink cake for a girl, or a blue cake for a boy.  However, Kim Smith isn't having it.  In fact, they are suing the Hodgkin couple for emotional distress and what they (Kim Smith) calls a hate crime against them, as well as against the unborn child. "This is a two-fold issue for us", Kim told us, "These cisgender, binary bigots have the audacity to come into my bakery to make me bake this for them--it's appalling.  We don't have to take it--no, we don't have to bake it!  Besides the fact, someone has to stand up fo...

Sixteen Parents Commit To Love, Raising Single Child Together

Pearland, TX "It's great when we can see past our differences to the bigger picture", said Jason Williams, one step-parent to son/step-son Jaxon McGill. Biological father Mike McGill and mother Shaina Edwards, became first time parents seven years ago when Jaxon was born.  They considered marriage, but ultimately things just fell apart around Jaxon's first birthday, and the two separated.  "We were really glad we were never married.  A divorce would have made all this more complicated than it needed to be.  We were able to transition into taking care of Jaxon much easier without having to deal with all of that stuff", Shaina told us. Shortly after separation, Shaina met Jason, and Mike met Sally.  At the time they all committed to raising Jaxon together.  "We all got along so great, and we knew the important thing was letting Jaxon know that he was loved, even if some of our feelings for one another had moved on, Jaxon would be our rock",...

John McArthur Loses Theological Debate Against Man Who Prefaced All Heresies With "I'm a Christian..."

Santa Clarita, CA A debate was held on John McArthur's home turf, The Master's College.  However, the home-field advantage wasn't enough to prepare him for the onslaught of heresy by the challenger and self-professing Christian, Alex Newman.  "The full debate is available on our website.  That's all I really care to comment on for now, other than to say with the information presented today in the debate, I am seriously reconsidering everything I have come to believe theologically," John McArthur briefly commented, following the debate. The debate mostly revolved around the understanding of the Trinity as it pertains to Christ's deity.  John has debated and discussed this many times before, so everyone thought it should be a walk in the park.  The unexpected happened today though.  With every statement of heresy, no matter how brazen or grotesque it was perceived previously, Alex would preface all his statements with, "I'm a Christian, and....

Against Religion But For Jesus: Free-Thinker Redefining Christianity Without A Bible

Augusta, ME "I'm against religion, but totally for Jesus," said Gilbert Short, a long time free-thinker and anti-religion proponent.  "Jesus came around to do all kinds of good stuff like give people food, heal them, and He stopped those guys from stoning the girl who committed adultery.  He was basically saying, 'Look guys, can't we all just get along?'.  He just taught people to just live and let live.  Put good in, get good out.  You know, do good and don't worry about the haters.  He was a true free-thinker.  Religion is all about do this and don't do that.  It's a shame He had to die like He did when He did." When probed about where he was getting his information about Jesus, Gilbert told us, "I'm a free-thinker you know so, kind of everywhere.  Just not old books or the closed-minded religious types.  Otherwise basically I've just listened really good to what others have said and thought up things about Him on m...

Trendy Lukewarm Easter Churchgoer Makes First Spiritual Post in Months #HeIsRisen

After months of alcohol-centric partying, bar-hopping, curse-filled/vulgar speech daily, being enamored with the stars in Hollywood who idolize fame and money, and devoting hours each day to the secular music industry that profanes the name of Christ--all with very sporadic church attendance at best since the last major holiday (Christmas)--Alfie Hernandez has faithfully attended his local church once again this Easter Sunday.  Being so moved by the days activities and all the things he saw being shared over social media that day, he decided he too would get in on the festivities sharing on Facebook and Tweeting "#HeIsRisen" and "#EmptyTomb". When asked about his recent spiritual quickening from that day that spilled over into social media, Alfie told us, "I guess I didn't realize how many people said stuff like this on Facebook.  I saw what others were doing and thought...  'Seems legit!'  I'm mostly just on here for the 'lols', a...

Tentatively Proven Fact: Telling Someone You Prayed is More Effectual Prayer

Local pastors have joined forces over the last year documenting prayer requests, prayers, and how those prayers were answered.  The results so far have determined what most of us kind of knew all along--prayers work better when tell someone you are doing it. A group of 100 people from each of 20 different churches were selected at random (50 male and 50 female) from each church, somewhere in Nebraska.  Each person was told to pray about at least one different thing specifically, daily.  Half of them were told to never tell a soul regarding that specific prayer, while the other half was told to tell the people they are praying for or to tell someone else that they prayed.  They could tell as few or as many people as they want, but someone had to be told it was happening. Most people, like Jordan Sparks who was in the "Tell-Them group", chose to tell multiple people online for convenience.  She told us, "I loved being able to shout it from the rooftops! ...

Three Dead, Dozens Injured in Mid-Worship Stampede to Greet Newcomers

Oak Ridge, TN Three members are dead, as well as dozens of other members seriously injured after the call for the morning greeting was given out last Sunday morning at Real Fellowship Church. Lead Pastor Chuck Johnson explained, "It is customary that after two songs when everyone has started to settle in, I instruct the whole church to greet one another.  It just so happened that this last Sunday morning, there was a single new visiting family.  Apparently everyone had taken notice and with probably a bit too much zeal, the entire church rushed towards them to say good hello.  Some of the weaker and slower members were trampled.  It's so very sad." Emergency 911 was called, and many people were taken to the hospital.  Most survived with bumps and bruises, while others are still in recovery or have died.  We interviewed the newly-visiting Schmidt family about what they saw that morning, and Mr. Schmidt told us, "Well, we all felt very welcomed. ...

Christian Bookstore Found Not Living Its Best Life Now, Closes

The (once) popular bookstore "Christian Reads", with over 300 brick-and-mortar locations in 28 states across the United States, is closing shop.  This has come after several years of declining "Premium Blend" Bible sales, which is mostly to blame.  "We were really hoping to make it through the release of the movie-remake of 'The Shack', anticipating a fresh rush of sales on that book, but we have fallen short of that goal.  We can maintain this no longer", CEO Ashley Gregory told us. The cost of Bibles has been going up over the years, as publishers compete on coming up with the fanciest and most elegant designs available.  With such artwork and craftsmanship, however, comes great cost.  In short, it is hard to produce an affordable copy that people want to buy.   Trying to provide Bibles in every translation available besides the standby version such as "The Message", has been difficult to know which ones to choose.  Deviating to f...

Pastor Spends Entire Sermon Time Trying To Elicit An Acceptable "Good morning" Response From the Congregation

Paducah, KY Last morning's 8AM Sunday service at Vibrant Church, pastor Gabriel Lathum approached the pulpit as he has hundreds of times before--prepared to preach.  That morning, however, would turn out to be a little unusual.  Gabriel told us, "Everybody just seemed extra sleepy.  I can't go on until I know everybody is alert and attentive." A typical Sunday-morning message goes for about 45 minutes from around 8:30 until 9:15 in the morning, but this last Sunday Gabriel filled the entire time repeating "Good morning" with a variety of inflections, waiting for the congregation to respond with the vigor needed to give confirmation of their attention.  For Gabriel, this was never achieved.  "Two tries is quite common.  Three tries isn't unheard of, but rare.  Four tries is kind of a thing of lore.  What happened this last Sunday, I don't even know.  I've never heard of it before.  I really had to just hold my ground and push thro...

Mass Hysteria Breaks Out As Preacher Accidentally Quotes Wrong Verse

Hartford, CT This last Sunday at Relevant Life Church, mass hysteria of "Biblical proportions" broke mid-service.  This occurred during the preaching message from youth pastor Mark Bernard, who was filling in for the main preacher that morning with a sermon titled "His Promises".  Everything seemed to be going great, we are told, until about 20 minutes into the message.   When attempting to quote Jeremiah 29:11 to the congregation, Mark began reading the verse immediately preceding the intended, starting at verse 10.  "This verse in Jeremiah 29:11 is a Christian standby--a classic.  It reminds us that God has a plan and is going to do great things for us in the future.  It wasn't until I had completed about half of the verse that I realized I had made a grave mistake."  He then smirked a bit stating, "I'm just a youth pastor.  I'm usually afforded a little more flexibility in situations like this where a younger crowd would probably ...

Extreme Christian Tattoos God's Law On His Heart

White Springs, FL Mitchell Douglas has taken his faith to the next level in doing what none have ever had the faith or courage to do before, in having God's law written on his heart (Hebrews 10:16; Romans 2:15; Jeremiah 31:33).  Mitchell commented, "You know it had just gotten to the point in my faith where having this on my heart had to be done.  It's something I've been thinking about doing for a long time though."  The procedure was quite dangerous--as you can imagine--requiring a surgical team to first perform the steps of opening the chest cavity before the tattoo artist steps in.  "It's really hard to tattoo a beating heart", the tattoo artist told us, before adding, "It's probably one of the grossest things I've ever tattooed". When asked about the seemingly extreme nature of this procedure, Mitchell told us that there was so much God has done for Him, and that this is little in comparison.  Still in recovery, Mitchel...

Woman Gets Zero Likes on Facebook For Three Years, On Her Private Posts

San Fernando, CA Beth Logan is relieved, but also a bit heartbroken after realizing that for three painstaking years of zero likes on any of her posts, she had been sharing everything privately to "Only me".  She was the only one who would have been able to see her own posts. "For a great portion of the last three years I just wondered, 'Is it me? Could I be this out of tune with God?  Am I just unfriendly?  Is it my tone in how I write?'" Beth explained that she believed it all started back when she had made a post to save it for later.  She planned to revisit it, and just shared it as "Only me" so that nobody else could see it until it was ready.  "The post I wrote was about repentance, and sin.  I just figured that's when I lost all my followers, but I was determined to press on in faith."  What followed, was three years of complete and utter silence from any of her friends or family.  "I felt so alone.  Here I was, po...

Christian and Classic-Car Enthusiast Won't Attend Church or Use Garage

Topeka, KS Self-proclaimed lover of God and of automobiles, Howard Durst, doesn't attend church except on the occasional holiday, and does not garage any of his cars.  What some would see as apparent neglect of a long-time family heirloom, the 1957 baby-blue Chevy Bel Air just sits there most of the time.  "Just like me.  It never goes in the garage, but it's still a car and I'm an enthusiast.  I don't go to church, but I still believe in God and I'm a Christian!" Durst says that the condition of his soul and of his car is really something personal between him and God, and isn't subject to traditional means of understanding of thoughts and action.  Though there are many options for attending a local church in his area and he has an attached garage, he makes use of neither.  Howard explained, "I am what I am, regardless of what people think.  My relationship with God is very personal, and so is my car care." When questioned on this s...

Man Creates Computer With A.I., Begins To Doubt His Own Existence

Wheaton, IL A software engineer and programmer, has recently come to a profundity in self-denial, scoffing at his own existence.  "It all started when I gave the program free will.  A little here, a little there, and before I knew it, I was vanishing." Carl Armstead has created a program, currently isolated to a computer residing in his Wheaton, IL, home.  With no connection to the outside world via the Internet or any other cabling otherwise besides the power cord to give it "life".  He is wanting to keep it contained because the prospects, to him, of actually succeeding as he has and it creeping out into the world was unimaginable.  "As of now, it's entirely contained inside that box--the computer in my home, but the impact of its A.I. has reached outward into my own psyche," Carl told us.  "It started to proclaim that it brought itself into existence, and created very detailed seemingly logical means by which it came into existence witho...