Three Dead, Dozens Injured in Mid-Worship Stampede to Greet Newcomers

Oak Ridge, TN

Three members are dead, as well as dozens of other members seriously injured after the call for the morning greeting was given out last Sunday morning at Real Fellowship Church.

Lead Pastor Chuck Johnson explained, "It is customary that after two songs when everyone has started to settle in, I instruct the whole church to greet one another. It just so happened that this last Sunday morning, there was a single new visiting family. Apparently everyone had taken notice and with probably a bit too much zeal, the entire church rushed towards them to say good hello. Some of the weaker and slower members were trampled. It's so very sad."

Emergency 911 was called, and many people were taken to the hospital. Most survived with bumps and bruises, while others are still in recovery or have died. We interviewed the newly-visiting Schmidt family about what they saw that morning, and Mr. Schmidt told us, "Well, we all felt very welcomed. We didn't really know all that was going on at the time beneath everyone else's feet. It just seemed like they were all very happy to see us. We felt very welcomed for sure. We had no idea that people were being stomped to death in all the mayhem. We feel terrible, because we don't even think we will be going back. Not because of this tragedy really, but we kind of got the feeling during those first couple two songs that this church wasn't really for us."

Real Fellowship Church prides itself on making sure newcomers feel loved and welcomed. Clearly this passion took a turn for the worse as greeting the visitors left many of the established church dead and forgotten, underfoot. One of the deacons who wished to be unnamed told us, "We all know what it's like to be the new face in a new place. It appears that our passion to see that new people are welcomed has ironically left many of our own members quite literally, as door mats, injured or worse. Real Fellowship will be looking into establishing a new greeting program soon."

(In the above post, any names of people and their given situations are entirely made up to illustrate a point of satire)

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