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Mass Hysteria Breaks Out As Preacher Accidentally Quotes Wrong Verse



Hartford, CT

This last Sunday at Relevant Life Church, mass hysteria of "Biblical proportions" broke mid-service.  This occurred during the preaching message from youth pastor Mark Bernard, who was filling in for the main preacher that morning with a sermon titled "His Promises".  Everything seemed to be going great, we are told, until about 20 minutes into the message.   When attempting to quote Jeremiah 29:11 to the congregation, Mark began reading the verse immediately preceding the intended, starting at verse 10.  "This verse in Jeremiah 29:11 is a Christian standby--a classic.  It reminds us that God has a plan and is going to do great things for us in the future.  It wasn't until I had completed about half of the verse that I realized I had made a grave mistake."  He then smirked a bit stating, "I'm just a youth pastor.  I'm usually afforded a little more flexibility in situations like this where a younger crowd would probably not be paying much attention.  It's one reason we just ordered a new dunk tank that can be triggered from an app on any smart phone.  But, I digress."

Jeremiah 29:11 reads, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Whereas, the verse Jeremiah 29:10 reads, "For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place."  Mark recounted the fateful moment he became aware of his mistake.  "I had completed the words 'seventy years', referring to the time of Israel's captivity to precede God's promised deliverance.  I just stopped the reading there, and to recover I tried to laugh it off.  I said something like 'Oops that's not right!' and was about to start reading on verse 11, but it was too late."

We are told by some other witnesses that morning it began with someone from the back shouting, "Seventy years!"  Then the clamor grew from there throughout the sanctuary with things like, "How can this be?" and "Is this really a loving God?".  Pastor Mark explained, "Half of the people just up and left in a mass exodus, falling over one another.  The other half charged the altar--some weeping, others shouting.  I felt terrible."

We are told consoling and conversation went on for about three hours at the front of the church, as all available staff tried to calm those who remained until all had dispersed.  Some have scheduled further sessions for later in the week.  We are told that the main preaching pastor, Tom Howard, will be returning for service next Sunday morning at the normal scheduled time of 10:30AM.  Tom was emphatic that the ship can be righted if people would make their way back, which he admits is not to certain. "I am mentally preparing to preach a sermon titled 'God Is Love', focusing in on that exact phrase from the book of 1st John.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I'm not even bringing my Bible.  I'm just writing those words on a piece of paper that morning, and speaking extemporaneously from there.  If all else fails I heard we have a dunk tank on the way.  We will rebuild."

(In the above post, any names of people and their given situations are entirely made up to illustrate a point of satire)

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