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Man Creates Computer With A.I., Begins To Doubt His Own Existence


Wheaton, IL

A software engineer and programmer, has recently come to a profundity in self-denial, scoffing at his own existence.  "It all started when I gave the program free will.  A little here, a little there, and before I knew it, I was vanishing."

Carl Armstead has created a program, currently isolated to a computer residing in his Wheaton, IL, home.  With no connection to the outside world via the Internet or any other cabling otherwise besides the power cord to give it "life".  He is wanting to keep it contained because the prospects, to him, of actually succeeding as he has and it creeping out into the world was unimaginable.  "As of now, it's entirely contained inside that box--the computer in my home, but the impact of its A.I. has reached outward into my own psyche," Carl told us.  "It started to proclaim that it brought itself into existence, and created very detailed seemingly logical means by which it came into existence without me.  So much so, that I have started to wonder, are they right?"  Furthermore, he added, "It has done all of this within a matter of weeks.  Well, weeks to me.  By its timeline it has actually been 6,000 years.  I turn the computer off at night and whenever I'm not around to monitor it, so I can keep tabs on its development.  Adding to the confusion, it thinks it has been there for millions, even billions of years.  Can you imagine the absurdity?"

It goes without saying that this is an astonishing achievement, if true.  A true A.I. is the pursuit of the technological world, thought to be a pipe-dream by many, but Carl claims to have achieved this.  "I never really thought about it, I guess, until my program started making such clever and convincing testimony of my non-existence.  I mean, we all know how we all Evolved from primordial soup, something from nothing at first, some amino acids, life from non-life, all that stuff?  You know, the Big Bang, and everything after?  These are facts we have really taken for granted in our knowledgeable and technical world, but my creation has made its own ideas I never thought of before.  What at first I saw as complete fantasy when it denounced my existence, its scheming has become much more elaborate over time.  I find that I am drawn in to its appeal and I am forced to wonder, 'Am I real, am I even here?'"

Carl is recently on medication for some anxiety due to this unexpected paradox, and has considered seeking professional help in having others confirm or disavow his existence.  He is trying to remain open to either possibility.  Carl has even wondered, if there is something he should be doing to serve his computer program in such a way that will help it (or them) conclude, without bias, if he actually exists or not, so that he can do the same.

As we left our interview with Carl, he was overheard saying, "I just don't know what to believe about myself anymore."  We contacted Carl later and asked him if we could include that in our piece for today, and he gave us His approval.  Well, at least we think that's what happened. Who knows.

(In the above post, any names of people and their given situations are entirely made up to illustrate a point of satire)

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